How to Stay Grounded When Accused of Being Abusive

Reactive abuse is a term used to describe a situation where an individual, who is typically the victim of abuse or manipulation, retaliates or responds in an aggressive or confrontational manner. This reaction often occurs as a defense mechanism or as a response to prolonged periods of stress, fear, and frustration associated with continuous abusive behavior.

However, this retaliation or aggression from the victim is then used by the abuser to validate their own abusive behavior, effectively turning the tables and blaming the victim. It’s a manipulative tactic often used to shift responsibility and maintain control within the relationship.

It’s crucial to note that reactive abuse does not mean the victim is at fault. Victims are encouraged to seek professional help and support to safely navigate and potentially exit these unhealthy and harmful situations.

Signs Of Reactive Abuse

Recognizing the signs of reactive abuse can be critical in understanding and addressing this complex form of manipulation. Here are some signs to look out for:


The abuser blames the victim for their own abusive behavior, asserting that the victim’s reaction to the abuse is the real problem.


The abuser manipulates the victim into questioning their own reality or sanity. This could involve denying the abuse, trivializing the victim’s feelings, or accusing the victim of overreacting.

Public Embarrassment

The abuser may provoke the victim into reacting aggressively in public, then portray themselves as the victim to others.

Manipulation of Emotion

The abuser may intentionally trigger emotional reactions from the victim, later using these reactions to accuse the victim of being unstable or abusive.


The abuser isolates the victim from friends and family, making it more challenging for the victim to seek help or validation.

Cycles of Abuse:

There might be a pattern where periods of calm are followed by episodes of intense abuse, leading to the victim reacting defensively, which the abuser then uses to justify further abuse.

Discrediting the Victim:

The abuser may attempt to discredit the victim’s accounts of abuse, often asserting that the victim is the actual abuser.

Ignoring or Dismissing the Victim’s Feelings

An abuser often ignores or dismisses the victim’s feelings, leading the victim to feel invalidated or unheard.

When a person is consistently subjected to abuse, there are limits to what they can endure. In the past, you may have tried expressing how their harmful behavior was negatively impacting your mental health, only to be disregarded and labeled as overly sensitive or weak. Reactive abuse and gaslighting often occur together. Being repeatedly told this begins to break you down, and over time, you become fearful and conditioned to believe that the treatment you’re receiving is normal.

After enduring this continuously, there comes a breaking point where you finally react. You yell, insult them back, or even retaliate physically if they’ve been physically abusive. At last, you take a stand and confront them about their toxic behavior and relentless manipulation. But just when you believe you’ve shifted the power balance, your abuser twists your reaction to portray themselves as the innocent victim of your “abuse”. They exploit your emotional response as “evidence” of your instability and use it to claim they’ve been the victim all along.

They use this against you, further manipulating you into believing that you’re the abusive one. As you’re still trying to process everything, you find yourself attempting to reason with them and fix the situation. However, your abuser knows exactly how to manipulate you, and they derive pleasure from your emotional distress. They dismiss your reasons for reacting and instead use reactive abuse to torment you further, simply because you stood up against their abuse.

Statements like “You don’t understand me at all!”, “you only care about yourself, what about my feelings?”, “I have to tiptoe around you now”, “you’re like a ticking bomb”, and the most ironic, “I didn’t scare you. YOU scared ME!” become common. As they continue this, you start questioning your actions and whether you’re indeed the problem.

What causes reactive abuse?

You might even begin to believe that you’re emotionally unstable, toxic, and violent. You blame yourself and further torment yourself thinking you’re a terrible person. You may even seek help for how you “abused” your partner. If you try to sever ties with your abuser, they may spread negative rumors about you and involve others to worsen your situation. They resort to this level of manipulation because they realize you’ve seen their true nature, and manipulating others’ opinions about you is their way to maintain control.

Reactive abuse can be particularly unjust to the victim because it doesn’t harm the abuser but instead provides them an excuse to blame their victims for something they didn’t do. It grants them more power and an inflated sense of righteousness.

Examples of Reactive Abuse

Example 1: Verbal Abuse Escalation

Let’s say Person A constantly belittles and insults Person B. Over time, these verbal assaults erode Person B’s self-worth. One day, in response to a particularly cruel insult, Person B snaps and yells back at Person A. Person A then uses this reaction to claim that Person B is the abusive one, conveniently ignoring their own consistent pattern of belittling and insulting behavior.

Explanation: In this example, Person A is the actual abuser, consistently using words to hurt and belittle Person B. However, when Person B finally reacts to the ongoing abuse, Person A manipulates the situation to portray themselves as the victim, a classic example of reactive abuse.

Example 2: Physical Abuse Response

Imagine Person X frequently physically intimidates or hurts Person Y. One day, out of fear and desperation, Person Y pushes Person X away during an altercation. Person X then accuses Person Y of being violent and abusive.

Explanation: Here, Person X is the initial and consistent perpetrator of physical abuse. But when Person Y finally reacts out of self-defense, Person X turns the tables and accuses Person Y of being the abuser. This is another instance of reactive abuse, where the actual abuser manipulates the narrative to their advantage.

Example 3: Emotional Manipulation

Suppose Person M consistently lies to, cheats on, and emotionally manipulates Person N. Eventually, Person N confronts Person M about their behavior, perhaps even getting angry or crying. Person M then claims that Person N is overly emotional, unstable, and abusive.

Explanation: In this scenario, Person M is emotionally abusing Person N through dishonesty and manipulation. When Person N finally reacts to the ongoing deceit and manipulation, Person M uses this emotional reaction to label Person N as the abuser. This is a typical example of reactive abuse, where the real abuser distorts the situation to make the victim appear to be the problem.

How To Stop Reactive Abuse?

Stopping reactive abuse involves a combination of self-care, setting boundaries, seeking professional help, and potentially exiting the abusive situation. Here are some steps to consider:

Recognize the Abuse

The first step is to understand that you’re experiencing reactive abuse. Recognize the cycle of provocation and blame-shifting for what it is: a manipulation tactic.

Seek Professional Help

Reach out to a therapist or counselor who specializes in abuse. They can provide strategies and tools to help you cope and make informed decisions about your situation.

Practice Self-Care

Taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental health is crucial. This includes eating well, getting regular exercise, ensuring adequate sleep, and engaging in activities you enjoy.

Set Boundaries

Establish clear boundaries with the abuser. Express your feelings and needs assertively, and make it clear what behavior you will not tolerate.

Document the Abuse

Keep a record of instances of abuse. This can be useful if you decide to seek legal help or need to prove the abuse later.

Reach Out to Support Networks

Reach out to reliable friends, family members, or join support groups that can offer both emotional backing and hands-on assistance.

Develop a Safety Plan

If you’re in immediate danger, have a safety plan in place. This could include having a packed bag ready, knowing the quickest exit from your home, and having emergency numbers easily accessible.

Consider Legal Action

Depending on your situation, you may want to consider protective orders or other legal actions.

Plan an Exit Strategy

In many cases, the best way to stop reactive abuse is to leave the relationship. Planning this exit carefully is important, particularly in situations where the abuser may react violently.

Final thought

In conclusion, reactive abuse is a manipulative tactic that can leave victims questioning their actions and reality. However, it’s vital to remember that no one deserves to be abused in any form. If you find yourself in a situation of reactive abuse, know that your feelings and reactions are valid responses to the abusive behavior you’re enduring.

Prioritizing your safety and well-being is not selfish or overreacting – it’s necessary. It’s crucial to establish boundaries, seek professional help, and consider all options, including leaving the relationship if needed.

Remember, you are not alone in this struggle. There are numerous resources, organizations, and support networks available to assist those experiencing reactive abuse. These resources can provide guidance, emotional support, and practical assistance to help you navigate through this challenging time.

Never forget: You have the right to live a life free from abuse, filled with respect, kindness, and love. No matter how difficult the situation may seem, there is always help available, and there is always hope.

Scroll to Top